A Time To Mourn

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV

   Winter for me includes a bit of seasonal affective disorder and ends as the temps rise and the sun starts making more of an appearance in our daily activities. This year went as usual but just as I was feeling the melancholy lift, it seemed to lower back down and even the warm rays of sun weren’t dissipating the cloud. What happened?!? Had something changed? Did I need to see my doctor? All the way into June I felt “off” and disinterested in life and had no answers. Then one day a verse came to mind….A Time To Mourn.

A time to mourn? Why do I need to mourn?!? I wasn’t reeling from the death of a loved one. So I decided to sit with this thought for a bit and see how God spoke to me through it. Death comes in many forms and they’re all a time to mourn. If you don’t mourn, you won’t be able to dance or you’ll feel the numbness of dancing inauthentically.

There was grief that I needed to acknowledge and process but since I pushed it aside, I was left feeling numb and disconnected. I think too often we don’t give ourselves permission to grieve anything but major tragedy and even then, as Americans, we have 3 days to get that over and done with before returning to work and acting per the usual as to not remind our coworkers that grief exists. So grieving a minor occurrence would warrant almost no time in our lives…but I think we have that wrong. I think that could be some of the reason we’re a society of antidepressant popping robots on autopilot ( I am not a doctor and these are only my opinions. I am also not against using antidepressants when needed.) We need to allow ourselves to grieve. Not to wallow in our pain forever but to acknowledge it and give it a moment.

It hit me as I clicked send on an email setting up an interview with the company taking over my current employer… I needed to grieve. Twelve years ago, the doctors at the hospital, who took me under their wing, asked me to work with them at their private practice office. During those years I went from my 20’s to my 30’s, I got divorced and remarried, and moved 5 times. As a company we said hello and goodbye to many people but a group of us have remained. We grieved the loss of loved ones together and rejoiced in babies, graduations, and marriages. When I faced a sudden medical issue and was told to go straight to the ER, I was joined by two of my nurses and a doctor within minutes of my arrival. I knew that those two nurses would stand up with me as my bridesmaids at my wedding in 2020. Has our company been perfect… no. Have we bickered and fussed…doesn’t every family?

Over the years I have watched my doctors do everything they could to remain a private practice but in our medical system it’s almost impossible. Unbeknownst to us, they were working behind the scenes to merge with a company that would provide us all with jobs and give us the best outcomes. I know them and I know this must have weighed heavy on their hearts. So here we are now at the beginning of the merger process. I have been offered my job for which I am grateful and the people I have interacted with have been welcoming and excited to have me. I will be working with my coworkers and doctors again. There are so many good things that will come of this but I have been remiss in the grieving of what has been. Things WILL change, a chapter is closing, and I need to say goodbye to all of it’s beauty and scars and thank this chapter for what it helped me become.

Maybe you need to mourn something similar? Maybe it’s an unexpected diagnosis from which you will heal but life won’t be the same. Maybe it’s the start of your empty nest season. Maybe life has changed in a way that leaves you missing friends you were once close to. Maybe you miss who you were before kids. Maybe you miss who someone was before circumstances beyond their control altered them. Whatever it may be… give it space. Acknowledge it out loud with a spouse or friend.

 I had to give myself permission to mourn so I can learn to dance in my new chapter.